I’ve been thinking about the ways we put our lives on hold.
About the waiting rooms we create for ourselves.
Not the physical kind, I mean the places where we tell ourselves we’ll start properly when…
When I’ve lost the weight…..
When I’m earning more….
When the children need me less….
When the house is sorted….
When I feel more confident….and so on
Then I’ll book a session with Jane; I’ll buy the clothes. Take the photos. Be more visible. Start showing up differently.
Then…..not now
I get it; I spent years in that waiting room and sometimes still get stuck there if I’m honest. Until Dawn Owen gives a not so gentle shove onto the platform
Waiting sounds sensible.
Why spend money on clothes now if you’re planning to lose weight? Why invest in your work wardrobe before you’ve got the promotion? Why buy something beautiful when you haven’t got anywhere special to wear it?
Except ordinary life is most of our life.
And sometimes we get what we are waiting for, and we add another condition.
We lose some weight but decide we’ll wait until we lose a bit more. We get the promotion but now we’re too busy. The children become more independent but our parents need us. The business grows but now there is more to look after.
The waiting room maybe gets a zhuzh, but we’re still in it.
I think this shows up strongly for women because we’ve been conditioned into what makes us ‘good’.
Put everyone else first. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be vain. Don’t spend too much money on yourself.
But also look polished. Look professional. Look attractive, but not like you tried too hard. Age well, but don’t appear obsessed with it. Make an effort, but for goodness’ sake don’t look like you did.
It’s hardly surprising that many of us become incredibly practised at putting ourselves at the bottom of the list.
I don’t think this is really about clothes. Clothes are just one place we see it.
You can see it in the wardrobe full of things “that’ll do” while the woman wearing them has changed enormously. You can see it in the expensive perfume saved for special occasions while the everyday bottle gets used instead.
Plus there’s another layer to all of this that I find fascinating.
Waiting can be protective. We know what it’s like here. It’s comfortable and, out there is unknown. And unknown is scary. “Better the devil you know”
If I don’t buy clothes for this body because I’m going to lose weight, I can stay hidden.
If I tell myself I’ll become more visible when the business is bigger, I don’t have to risk being properly seen now.
If I save the fabulous dress for an occasion, I don’t have to walk into an ordinary room and wonder whether people think I’m overdressed.
If I’m still becoming ready, nobody gets to judge the finished version.
That one got me! I don’t just write these blogs for you; sometimes they are for me too. Ok most if the time!
Full confession, that’s been me for a while. Getting ready, working it out, losing weight, new business ideas… all the while staying safely where I am…
We can spend years preparing.
I’m not suggesting the answer is to embark on some dramatic reinvention. I don’t have the energy for that.
Maybe just notice.
Where have you made your own enjoyment conditional?
Where are you waiting for a future body, future job, future lifestyle or future level of confidence?
What are you saving for best?
What would happen if you stopped waiting?
Maybe you wear the earrings.
Maybe you buy the trousers that fit beautifully now rather than making do until you can buy a size smaller.
Maybe you use the good perfume every day. I’m all over this one. Even to the gym this morning.
Maybe you stop telling yourself that wanting to feel good in your clothes is frivolous.
Maybe you allow the woman you are today to matter, and leave the waiting room.
A Question to Take Away
What are you waiting to change before you give yourself permission to fully participate in the life you have now?